things are not always what they seem

my weekend so far on the surface sounds pretty cool.

dinner with my man on Friday night, me time on Saturday afternoon, beer & rugby with a friend last evening, home to bed to be woken by the man crawling into bed with me, sleepy sex, wake up to a slow start sunday with G, R and me all reading in bed, then off to a yummy breakfast of french crepes in Noordhoek.

The bit about beer & rugby and a friend was great. The rest? well let’s just say things aren’t always what they seem.

Dinner on Friday was off to a bad start when we argued earlier in the afternoon. It went downhill until by the time we were actually sat across from each other we were not even on speaking terms. When we finally broke the silence it was to say mean, hurtful things to each other throughout the meal (as usual when upset I ate almost nothing – hard to swallow steak when you’re trying to hold back tears and have a knot in your stomach). In the end G left his coffee and walked out, me trailing behind.

Saturday morning we tried again over breakfast in Scarborough (such lovely, idyllic, romantic backdrops for these soul jarring sessions) and again it ended in tears – mine.

R went to play at a friend and G went to surf so I had time alone. I ran a bath, cried some more (where do all these tears come from?) and slept till just before my beer date with my friend. That part was good (Thanks, Mrs Mbr).

G climbing into bed – it’s bad form to complain about sex when it’s almost always great but the headspace I was in (no fault of his) meant that I just wanted to go back to sleep. But of course it was he who was sound asleep while I lay awake till after 3 am thinking, thinking and thinking – all three unhelpful kinds of thinking.

Today at breakfast – I have been feeling particularly ugly since my birthday and having my flaws pointed out across the table didn’t go down well. Then my parents happened to be at the same restaurant and my mom really did me no favours by phoning me across the room to say she thinks it’s hysterical that G and I sit there without talking – like an old married couple. – She pushed at last 3 of my major buttons with those and by the time I hung up I was shaking with anger so hard I left the restaurant to cool down.

And now here I am bashing all this out and not particularly eloquently and holding back a whole lot of stuff too. Vomiting my crappy weekend onto this page, but maybe one person who reads it and thinks that their life is lacking what I appear to have on the surface can take small comfort in the fact that things are often not what they seem, as much as I have to be thankful for, all  really want to do is disappear, go far away, for a long time and come back with a different story to tell.

PS I think I’m having some sort of mid life turning 40 soon crisis. If I look ahead I see nothing but a blank wall – i’m in a relationship with a man who won’t marry me, my son is moving into the stage of needing me less, my job doesn’t pay enough, my finances are a mess, I will never be able to afford to buy property on what I earn, an raise I could get would make little meaningful difference – i feel 100% stuck and can’t see any way up, out or forward.

Maybe by the time my actual 40th rolls around I’ll be out of this funk. I frikken hope so.

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11 Responses to things are not always what they seem

  1. Bronwen says:

    My heart goes out to you today…*hugs*

  2. Should old acquaintance be forgot says:

    Thank you.

  3. Mrs Redzxber says:

    Shall we go on a yoga retreat? Get away from the madness for a bit??

  4. ExMi says:

    having the same moments. only my bf wants to marry me. then he doesn’t. then he does. then he doesn’t. and we fight, and then we’re not fighting, and then we’re not talking and then we’re shouting.

    it’s all very complicated. it all sucks. let’s hope it improves. SOON.

  5. cassey says:

    It sucks that sometimes things just plain suck, hope it gets better soon.
    Hugs.

  6. groupiemom says:

    i hear you, on the verge of 40, property-less, kids becoming independant. how about some beer.

  7. Avalon says:

    Those dark moments as we hit a milestone….like approaching 40 (for me it was 30) can shake it all up and make a huge stock take inevitable.

    Just know I think you’re Beautiful! and Super Intelligent!! And for all your P.S. stuff, I’ve been there (somewhere close to at least) and still see the blank wall. (If I open my eyes wide enough) You are not alone. I think a beer with groupie mom is a fabulous idea and when I see you again, a pitcher is in order!! (insert your soft bed and me lying on a cushion with a box of tissues between us) I hope G wakes up and smells the coffee before its too late.

    • one day my friend… one day. just… i iknow Ilse and I have been wishing for years we could be in the same neighbourhood and hang out together as moms and friends – I’m so glad that you and I had that for 10 years! As for G – I can’t honestly blame him sometimes I am so down and negetive and I don’t even want to be around me.

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